I am not a tourist!!

Last night after work, I met Brian for dinner in Susie's Wholefood Diner on West Nicholson Street. I was walking across North Bridge, dodging all the people when I had a 'oh, this is my home....' moment. Those moments come every now and then when I am out and about in Edinburgh amongst the tourists (and there are many - although not as many as there will be when the Festival begins!). It's such a good feeling to say 'I live here'. During my time in America, my trips to Scotland made me feel like a tourist. I was usually only here for two weeks at a time, and there was always so much to catch up on - from the latest fashions and TV favourites to people's lives and family situations. Now, I live here and it feels good to not be a tourist in my own country. The funny thing is that I have this sense of pride about where I live - even a sense of protectiveness. I have always had this outlook about where I live - even in America. When I was in Grand Rapids, the mere mention of Pittsburgh or Western Pennsylvania made me feel such fondness for these places. I think this has to do with the fact that when you move to another culture and another country, you have to attach yourself to the place hard and fast - at least I did. It helps with the identity thing. I was speaking with a couple at a conference this week who have one daughter in Uganda and one in Washington D.C. We talked about what it is like to come back to your own country and identity was the big theme - again. It is difficult to move back and be among people who have not shared your history in that other country. I realised how important that was when I talked to friends in London who used to live in Pittsburgh. The feeling of having a conversation where I could talk about life in America, people in America - all of which and whom they knew about, was wonderful. It was a comfort and relief. As well as identity, this is all about connecting, isn't it? We are created to be in relationship. We are created to be connected to other people and that includes our histories. WIthout the option of sharing a history with people, lonliness sets in. We need others and we need others who have shared life with us. I am thankful that we have our friends in London already, and that two more will arrive in August. And I am thankful for technology that allows us to continue connecting with our friends across the atlantic!

Brussels

hmmm... it has been a while, hasn't it?

My friend Heidi gave me the excellent gift of a little notebook in which to record blogworthy notes while I am out and about and getting on with life. Brilliant. My first page of notes were written in Brussels very late at night. This past weekend Brian and I traveled (by train - Edinburgh to London King's Cross, tube to Waterloo, Eurostar to Brussels) with a group of about 6 friends. The purpose was to meet with about 6 other friends and together our mission was to surprise our friend Ed for his birthday. Ed & his wife are good friends of ours (they also happen to be our landlords!) Ed recently landed a job in Brussels and off they went.

We arrived after a rather tight journey. Good old British rail (GNER to be precise) lived up to its rep by leaving Edinburgh late due to technical faults. We therefore had 1/2 hour to spring across London via the tube. What an adventure! Thankfully, we arrived at the meeting point of Big Mama's Italian restaurant in Brussels almost on time - and Ed was suitably suprised. Well, VERY surprised actually - he had no idea! We had a very high spirited evening of good food and wine.

The next day was spent partly eating pastries (pain au chocolat...mmmm), drinking good coffee, wandering around Brussels in the sun, and getting ready for the birthday BBQ. It was about 1:00 p.m. ish when I started to feel a little weird... slightly out of place, and on the edge. I realised that I was feeling the effects of being with a group of friends who I haven't seen regularly for eight years. The last time I saw them in such contexts, I was single. Our friends have years of spending time like this together - and we are just joining the club. The realization was that although I have a history with my friends, it is fractured by the fact that I have not been able to see them on a regular basis throughout the past eight years. And it felt rather lonely. I became unsure of my identity in this group. How did they see me? What was their opinion of Brian? Why couldn't I look as cool and trendy as they do? You know, the usual...

The truth is that we are the newbies. Even although I have a rich history with these people and could essentially pick up where I left off - they need to get to know me again and they are getting to know Brian for the first time. And I didn't like that feeling. So, on Saturday night, in the wee hours of the morning after a fabulous BBQ Birthday party and a night out in Brussels, I wrote the following sentence in my little blog book:

"Out and about with everyone in Brussels: identity crisis!"

I then fell asleep and woke the next day annoyed with myself that I hadn't recorded more.

The rest of our time in Brussels was absolutely fabulous. A picnic in a park, hot sunny weather (burned shoulders!), good coffee, more pastries, cherry beer, chocolate, but most importantly, amazing company. Brian and I are blessed (and I don't use that word lightly) to have a group of people here who are downright lovely and we are thankful.

Of course that didn't change the fact that I came home on Monday evening and was in tears thinking about all the people we miss so much: that's you. And you. And you - oh, and you....