hmmm... it has been a while, hasn't it?
My friend Heidi gave me the excellent gift of a little notebook in which to record blogworthy notes while I am out and about and getting on with life. Brilliant. My first page of notes were written in Brussels very late at night. This past weekend Brian and I traveled (by train - Edinburgh to London King's Cross, tube to Waterloo, Eurostar to Brussels) with a group of about 6 friends. The purpose was to meet with about 6 other friends and together our mission was to surprise our friend Ed for his birthday. Ed & his wife are good friends of ours (they also happen to be our landlords!) Ed recently landed a job in Brussels and off they went.
We arrived after a rather tight journey. Good old British rail (GNER to be precise) lived up to its rep by leaving Edinburgh late due to technical faults. We therefore had 1/2 hour to spring across London via the tube. What an adventure! Thankfully, we arrived at the meeting point of Big Mama's Italian restaurant in Brussels almost on time - and Ed was suitably suprised. Well, VERY surprised actually - he had no idea! We had a very high spirited evening of good food and wine.
The next day was spent partly eating pastries (pain au chocolat...mmmm), drinking good coffee, wandering around Brussels in the sun, and getting ready for the birthday BBQ. It was about 1:00 p.m. ish when I started to feel a little weird... slightly out of place, and on the edge. I realised that I was feeling the effects of being with a group of friends who I haven't seen regularly for eight years. The last time I saw them in such contexts, I was single. Our friends have years of spending time like this together - and we are just joining the club. The realization was that although I have a history with my friends, it is fractured by the fact that I have not been able to see them on a regular basis throughout the past eight years. And it felt rather lonely. I became unsure of my identity in this group. How did they see me? What was their opinion of Brian? Why couldn't I look as cool and trendy as they do? You know, the usual...
The truth is that we are the newbies. Even although I have a rich history with these people and could essentially pick up where I left off - they need to get to know me again and they are getting to know Brian for the first time. And I didn't like that feeling. So, on Saturday night, in the wee hours of the morning after a fabulous BBQ Birthday party and a night out in Brussels, I wrote the following sentence in my little blog book:
"Out and about with everyone in Brussels: identity crisis!"
I then fell asleep and woke the next day annoyed with myself that I hadn't recorded more.
The rest of our time in Brussels was absolutely fabulous. A picnic in a park, hot sunny weather (burned shoulders!), good coffee, more pastries, cherry beer, chocolate, but most importantly, amazing company. Brian and I are blessed (and I don't use that word lightly) to have a group of people here who are downright lovely and we are thankful.
Of course that didn't change the fact that I came home on Monday evening and was in tears thinking about all the people we miss so much: that's you. And you. And you - oh, and you....
4 comments:
Fiona,
You've only met me once..at a baby shower for Heidi in GR..but I can't help but reply to this post, since I feel such resonance with you in reading it. I haven't "returned" home (I live in Princeton NJ, but was in GR for many years) but being away from friends from GR and having gone through a kind of depression and reclusive phase after coming here for grad school, rekindling old friends has left me at times feeling strangely lonely, and self-conscious. Who am I among others? Can I be received as I am? Am I, you know...enough? The unease. It takes so much time with others to generally feel this easy friendliness, even those with whom we have a history, I think because of what's taken place inside of us in the time away. Friends become more dear it seems as we endure the changes and blows of life. In any case, I have cried with this as well.
As for your notebook, I too have had the experience of wanting to have put it all down when it was a bit too late. Not perhaps trusting the importance of the moment. But I hope you stick with it for next time. Your post did have an immediacy about it, so I sensed something especially important about this event for you.
...I continue to follow your transition, and have received inspiration from your honest faith,
shelly
Fiona,
You've only met me once..at a baby shower for Heidi in GR..but I can't help but reply to this post, since I feel such resonance with you in reading it. I haven't "returned" home (I live in Princeton NJ, but was in GR for many years) but being away from friends from GR and having gone through a kind of depression and reclusive phase after coming here for grad school, rekindling old friends has left me at times feeling strangely lonely, and self-conscious. Who am I among others? Can I be received as I am? Am I, you know...enough? The unease. It takes so much time with others to generally feel this easy friendliness, even those with whom we have a history, I think because of what's taken place inside of us in the time away. Friends become more dear it seems as we endure the changes and blows of life. In any case, I have cried with this as well.
As for your notebook, I too have had the experience of wanting to have put it all down when it was a bit too late. Not perhaps trusting the importance of the moment. But I hope you stick with it for next time. Your post did have an immediacy about it, so I sensed something especially important about this event for you.
...I continue to follow your transition, and have received inspiration from your honest faith,
shelly
Fiona,
Identity crises can happen anywhere, married, not married, kids, no kids.. dutch (GASP!), not dutch and the list goes on and on. If only we could learn to not measure ourselves by those sorts of things. :-)
Amy V.S. @ CTS
P.S. Too bad we can't hit Wealthy St. Baker this Friday am.
Hey, Fi. Good to catch up with you. As I go back and read your precious thoughts that you share so lucidly I hear a theme of 'place' and 'identity' emerging. Well ... and the weather. :) Anyway, I wonder if you aren't feeling in a compressed fashion much of what we are all dealing with all the time. I agree with Amy! Isn't it interesting that our identity is so linked to our geographical location and our relationships, despite the technology that links us far and wide? It makes me wonder about things like employment, family and church as other factors that shape how we know who we are. I know that when I am physically around my sister, I feel so much more like I am who I am. I feel the deficit of being physically apart from her in a very palpable way. So ... the physical and emotional "symptoms" you experiences, well, let's just say that it is no wonder to me that chocolate is an emerging theme for you as well! It is a small comfort in the midst of so much transition -- which is still going on.
Missing you!
Katharine
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